However, I think this past month would have been much more manageable, except for 2 things that definitely were stressors. A couple days before my last post (on March 23rd) I was doing a breast self exam, and found a small-marble-sized, very hard, very distinct lump in my right breast. Obviously that is going to be stressful. I tried very hard not to stress myself out about it. "I'm only 25", "Most lumps are benign", "It could just be a cyst', that type of self-talk. I didn't write about it, or tell anyone except Nathaniel, because I didn't want to worry anyone else, when it very well could be nothing. So I kept very quiet about it. 2 weeks ago I went in to my midwife to get it checked, and she was very not worried about it. She said that because it moved around, it was probably just a cyst, but she wanted me to get a mammogram, just in case. So I set that up for last weekend, and then realized that I had previous plans, so I rescheduled it, and had that done today.
So I went in to the imaging clinic, and they decided that since I was young, and there was the possibility of a cyst, they would do an ultrasound first, to possibly save me from the radiation (very slight) of the mammogram. So the ultrasound tech was looking at it, and trying to figure it out, and then she gets up and says "let me go get the radiologist". That made me a little nervous, but I still kept telling myself it was nothing. The radiologist comes in, and watches while she does the ultrasound again, and the verdict was that he is "99.99% sure" that it is just a benign fibrous tumor. 'Tumor' is still a scary word, but 'benign' makes me not worried about it. They said to keep track of the lump, do my monthly exams, and if it changes, come back, if not, set up an appointment in 6 months, so they can check on it. It apparently isn't as round and smooth as they would like, so those irregularities are what they want to watch.
So yeah, even though I've been trying not to stress over it, it has been in the back of my mind the whole last month, so that made it a little harder this semester. The other thing that has made it harder, (especially here at the end) so I am so grateful to be taking a break this summer is that Nathaniel's grandfather died about a week before finals. So I had an extremely tough semester book-ended by funerals of family on Nathaniel's side. That wasn't so cool. The funeral was nice, but not the whole death thing. The funeral was beautiful, but it was still so hard. I'm a very loving, empathetic being, so seeing everyone so sad was just about killing me. I know they were tears of love, because they loved Grandpa McBride so much, but they were tears of loss, and I wish I knew of some way to help those in need of comfort. I especially feel for Papa. I cannot imagine what it is like for him, having lost his eternal companion 4 months ago, and now his dad. I just feel so helpless when I look at their faces and see the pain.
But, that is what happens, and life moves on. This summer should be full of all sorts of fun and projects. Luckily, most of the projects don't have deadlines, so they shouldn't stress me out at all. However, I'm still hoping I can get a lot of my projects, and my cleaning/organizing done this summer, so that I don't feel like I need to do it when the next semester rolls around. I just need to make sure I prioritize, so I know what needs to be done.
