It Made Me Think

      Okay, well first off, I'm more writing this to get get things clear in my mind. So, it's more of a self-discovery post, not meant to be applicable to anyone else. However, that being said, I feel, based on conversations with friends and comments I've seen on the internet, that it might be helpful in getting others to think. Besides, I think better when I'm writing.
      So, this morning, I saw a link to this blog post on Facebook. It had a lot of swearing, and I hate always having to go read something else to understand a blog post, so I'll summarize. It's one woman's rant about how she hates the labels that get applied to mothering "attachment" "crunchy" "green" etc. because she feels that once a label is applied she has to live up to expectations, and when she doesn't (because she's human, like the rest of us) she gets judged. So, she just wants to be part of "team human, and messes up sometimes, but is trying her best to raise her kids well". The emotion of it, i.e. feeling judged and not wanting to live up to impossible standards, really struck a chord with me, and so I shared it.
      Then, one of my friends posted a response to it on her blog that really made me think. Hers doesn't have the language, so its safe for all of my readers ;), but I'll still summarize. She was basically saying that in any parenting blog she'd read, no one was shouting condemnation. Most of them were either "this is the way I do things, but you're okay to do things differently" or, a variation on the first one I read (and then shared), the "I don't judge you. Please don't judge me". So, where is the judging coming from? She basically said, "let's stop assuming that people are judging us, and if it's our close friends, and they've actually done something to warrant feeling judged, talked to them, and if it doesn't change, get new friends."  (Sorry Lisa if I butchered the very brief synopsis of your post, that was what I got out of it.
     So, anyway, it got me thinking. I feel judged a lot, but why? Where is that feeling of judgement coming from? Are my friends really judging me? Or am I just being overly sensitive to something?
     Taking an honest look, I can say that for the vast majority, when I have in-person conversations, I don't feel judged... almost ever. There are a few times where I've seen a look in someone's eyes that seems to me to be saying I'm not doing as well for my children as I "should" be, but let's be honest, interpreting a look in someone's eyes isn't generally an exact science. ;)
      But, those instances also give me insight as to why I feel judged. Generally those have occurred when something I did was not the best for raising kids true, but I already knew that. So, I felt already like I was "failing", or at least not doing as well as I'd like, and then I saw that "look" in whomever's eyes, and so I felt that they were judging me. Because I was already judging me.
      So, there was my biggest moment of clarity. I often feel so judged because I am the one doing the judging. And if I am always judging myself, it is a lot easier to see those same judgements coming from others who I come in contact with, especially if they seem to "have it together" better than I do. Heck, I don't share most of my problems, or views on "hot" topics because I don't want to be judged, and I don't want to get into arguments. The closest I come to actually telling people my problems is that Orange Rhino button in the top right corner. It's a challenge I'm attempting so that I can be closer to the type of Mom that I would like to be, and that I feel my children deserve. A mother that doesn't yell as much. (the goal is to go 365 days without yelling at my family... I'm not currently being very successful, but I'm trying) The judgement is actually me not being sure I'm doing what is best. (or being sure I'm not)
      That being said, there are times when I feel like I am doing what is best for my family, and I still feel judged. Those come online, and have even come from some of my best friends, who I know would never say to my face what has come across. Now, this doesn't happen in direct conversation online, or generally, even in their own posts. No, where I've noticed the problem is when a friend will share a blog post or an opinion piece and say something along the lines of "This exactly" or "I agree with EVERYTHING this person says". Then, I go read whatever it was, and the person who wrote the blog/op-ed/article says something along the lines of "all people who do/don't vaccinate are stupid because they must believe xyz." So then, when I go against what the person is stating, I have to wonder if my friend REALLY believes that I must be stupid and believe "xyz" or if they didn't really mean they agreed with everything the person said. (I generally tend to go with assuming the latter, but it still makes it a little harder to talk to them, just in case."
     I may very well be just as guilty. I remember sharing posts and saying I agree with everything in it, but I may not have. Its a lot easier to see judgement, and to seem judgmental, when we are letting others do our speaking for us, and not engaging in actual conversation.
    In conclusion (if this post seemed coherent at all, I'm not sure) the majority of my feelings of being judged are coming from within myself. No, my friends (and probably everyone else around me) are not really judging me, they're probably just trying to do their best, and not really caring what I do much at all. So, I need to be less judgmental of MYSELF, since I'm probably the only one really judging me. However, I do need to start being more careful what I share on facebook, and especially what I say I agree completely with. Because when I say I "agree completely" with something, that means that I am allowing those words to be taken as my own. So, what do I really want to be saying? Are those posts, word-for-word, what I want to be saying? Most of the time it probably isn't all. So I need to work on that too.